Silent goodbyesThursday, September 01, 2011
It must have been hours of standing here in the middle of a place I once called home, soaking in the deafening sound of quietness. I am not able to move any further. How could I, when every part of me is wanting to stay.
My knees begin to tire under the shivers of unsecurity that circulate through every cell of my body.
The doubts soak me up, ready to sweep me off my aching feet. I am hoping for a sign, for something to convice myself of making the right decision. For something to help me endure the painful moment of turning my back and head for an unknown future. I was hoping for something I knew it would never come.
These are hours of undefeatable insecurities, of rethinking, of gaining certainity. Moments of realising that right and reasonable decisions don't exist. They are nothing but a fantasy of our minds. A longing from deep within our souls for the feeling of comforting security.
These seconds were paradoxical, something I cannot comprehend. My senses were numb, dulled by the presence of my past. Still I felt, heard, tasted and smelled this moment with every cell of my body. And although these blurred visions of nonrecurring memories never stopped appearing,
I knew I have never seen life as sharp as in this very moment.
Everything made sense and everything was absurd. There was no right or wrong.
In this moment my legs started moving forward, regadless of any instructions my brains sended.
Each step took me closer into an uncertain future.
The only thing I was sure about, was that there was no return.
The melody of my past started fading, each note gone with the wind.
Slowly the remaining memories of home, the warmth and security were burned into my skin.