Bare hands, teary eyes and frozen breath.
No pretending. Just me, being honest to myself for the first time in a while. Nothing made sense but every second felt right. 
This is me, marked by the shadows of my past. They carved deep scarves into my skin, making me the person I am.
The story of a girl,
with the mind of a child and youth in her veins, dreaming her once technicolour dreams that are now played out in a purple-tinted autumn haze, dulled by the realisation that she is nothing but the ghost of her past.
with the mind of a child and youth in her veins, dreaming her once technicolour dreams that are now played out in a purple-tinted autumn haze, dulled by the realisation that she is nothing but the ghost of her past.
She wasn't supposed to be here, trapped inside the forest of irresitible temptations. In the moment her feet started moving torwards the glowing warmth of crimson relase, she knew there was no turning back. With each step she was losing her ability to distinguish right from wrong, good from bad, reality from illusion. Nothing will be made undone. There won't be a chance to avoid the regets that will be burned into her skin. The feeling of guilt that will be pourred over her soul was already beginning to crawl under her skin. She covered herself in a veil of naivety, trying to ignore the battle of doubts that was coursing through her mind. Every inch of her body, every single cell was longing for the bittersweet feeling of ease. Her muscles have never been as under control as in those moments. Still, she wanted to believe that everyone of her forward motions was not more than a mechanical movement of her body.
She knew it was not. Neither was her hand reaching for the fruits of crimson guilt.
And when her fingertips touched the tempting berries, a cloud of disappointment surrounded her,
ready to absorb her naive soul. No shivers of release and security were filling her body.
She wasn't being surrounded by the comforting feeling of warmth and ease.
Only by the cold, remorseless reality. She was a llittle girl of blood, skin and bone.
Everything she felt in these seconds was the certainity of being afraid, ashamed and alone.
She knew it was not. Neither was her hand reaching for the fruits of crimson guilt.
And when her fingertips touched the tempting berries, a cloud of disappointment surrounded her,
ready to absorb her naive soul. No shivers of release and security were filling her body.
She wasn't being surrounded by the comforting feeling of warmth and ease.
Only by the cold, remorseless reality. She was a llittle girl of blood, skin and bone.
Everything she felt in these seconds was the certainity of being afraid, ashamed and alone.
These are from August. A month that was radiating inspiration.
It must have been hours of standing here in the middle of a place I once called home, soaking in the deafening sound of quietness. I am not able to move any further. How could I, when every part of me is wanting to stay.
My knees begin to tire under the shivers of unsecurity that circulate through every cell of my body.
The doubts soak me up, ready to sweep me off my aching feet. I am hoping for a sign, for something to convice myself of making the right decision. For something to help me endure the painful moment of turning my back and head for an unknown future. I was hoping for something I knew it would never come.
These are hours of undefeatable insecurities, of rethinking, of gaining certainity. Moments of realising that right and reasonable decisions don't exist. They are nothing but a fantasy of our minds. A longing from deep within our souls for the feeling of comforting security.
These seconds were paradoxical, something I cannot comprehend. My senses were numb, dulled by the presence of my past. Still I felt, heard, tasted and smelled this moment with every cell of my body. And although these blurred visions of nonrecurring memories never stopped appearing,
I knew I have never seen life as sharp as in this very moment.
Everything made sense and everything was absurd. There was no right or wrong.
In this moment my legs started moving forward, regadless of any instructions my brains sended.
Each step took me closer into an uncertain future.
The only thing I was sure about, was that there was no return.
The melody of my past started fading, each note gone with the wind.
Slowly the remaining memories of home, the warmth and security were burned into my skin.
My knees begin to tire under the shivers of unsecurity that circulate through every cell of my body.
The doubts soak me up, ready to sweep me off my aching feet. I am hoping for a sign, for something to convice myself of making the right decision. For something to help me endure the painful moment of turning my back and head for an unknown future. I was hoping for something I knew it would never come.
These are hours of undefeatable insecurities, of rethinking, of gaining certainity. Moments of realising that right and reasonable decisions don't exist. They are nothing but a fantasy of our minds. A longing from deep within our souls for the feeling of comforting security.
These seconds were paradoxical, something I cannot comprehend. My senses were numb, dulled by the presence of my past. Still I felt, heard, tasted and smelled this moment with every cell of my body. And although these blurred visions of nonrecurring memories never stopped appearing,
I knew I have never seen life as sharp as in this very moment.
Everything made sense and everything was absurd. There was no right or wrong.
In this moment my legs started moving forward, regadless of any instructions my brains sended.
Each step took me closer into an uncertain future.
The only thing I was sure about, was that there was no return.
The melody of my past started fading, each note gone with the wind.
Slowly the remaining memories of home, the warmth and security were burned into my skin.
I have been sitting here in front of the glaring light of my computer screen,
trying to find the right words to describe the past three weeks.
I have spent time at the northsea, on a small island of hundredandseventeen souls. During these days I learnt more about my hopes, my faith and myself than I did in the past sixteen years. I've been riding my bike with teary eyes, seeing a blurred vision of hundreds of birds flying across the infinite widths of azure sky.
And in this very moment I'm sitting here, I know that nobody could ever comprehend how much beauty there is in every little corner of this world without feeling it with every cell of your body and with every inch of your heart.
In the moment I felt the wind touching my skin with tearing eyes, I knew I was infinite, that everybody is.
I spent time sitting near the ocean, listening to the quiet and peaceful melody of nature, asking myself if there might be another soul waiting on the other shore. Hoping for someone to hear their calls, for someone to embrace them with the warming and comforting touch of security.
I wonder if there are other souls reaching for You, into the infinite depths of azure, afraid to grasp at nothing but the cold, remorseless feeling of rejection.
I know I have.
In the moment I felt the wind touching my skin with tearing eyes, I knew I was infinite, that everybody is.
I spent time sitting near the ocean, listening to the quiet and peaceful melody of nature, asking myself if there might be another soul waiting on the other shore. Hoping for someone to hear their calls, for someone to embrace them with the warming and comforting touch of security.
I wonder if there are other souls reaching for You, into the infinite depths of azure, afraid to grasp at nothing but the cold, remorseless feeling of rejection.
I know I have.
And even before my fingertips could touch any of the keys, I knew that there are things words can't express. So I ask you to take a close look at this picture instead.
